Formal education is hard to come by and all but inaccessible in the small isolated part of Durango, Mexico called Coneto de Comonfort, where my family is from. Durango is where my ancestors remain and where individuals like my great, great grandmother “Abuelita Chicanita” grew up completely illiterate. During her era, she wouldn’t have been legally allowed to enroll in college within the United States. Knowing this, I feel privileged to receive an education here at UC Santa Barbara and I try to take advantage of all resources. 

The author's great, great, grandmother: “Abuelita Chicanito"

“Querer es poder,” which translates from the Spanish as wanting is power, is a phrase that was drilled into my head as a young child in order to motivate me in school. As a Mexican American child, I always understood that the educational material I was taught was never tailored to me and my personal experiences. That feeling only deepened as I reached higher and higher levels of education and progressively saw fewer and fewer faces that looked like me.

But then, setting foot in South Hall on UCSB’s campus, sitting alongside six other Chicanx students, and involving myself in a research study led by Chicana and Chicano Studies professor Juanita Garcia, I felt academically acknowledged for the first time. I assisted Garcia in a qualitative study titled, “UndocuAging Binational Research Lab: Migration, Aging & Mental Health'' in which Chicanx/a/os people over the age of 50 with familial roots in Durango were interviewed about how aging as migrants affects mental health. I aided the study by transcribing pre-recorded confidential interviews that were conducted within the US and Mexico. A common pattern among participants was experiencing a complete denial of any problems relating to mental health within their communities.

Garcia’s determination to see Mexican American identity explored by academic research was for me a prime example of power that comes from strong desire. As a first-generation college student, I am proud to be able to take up space within research-based institutions and be able to study in a place that was not designed for people like me. Participating in research on Duranguense migrant patterns of age, migration and mental health was a pivotal moment in both my educational and personal journey. It reminded me of the reasons I decided to seek higher education and has allowed me to come full circle.

Similar to Garcia’s experience, my mother’s Duranguense side of the family has allowed me to understand the implications of mental health challenges in our community. Depression and anxiety are often dismissed with phrases like, “you’re just being lazy” or “you’re just too sensitive” or “you’re lying.” Personally, it is normal for family members to hand me plates of food as if filling up my stomach would obliterate the depressive thoughts I have eating away at me on the inside. After all that I had experienced, the opportunity to combat mental health stigma in the Chicanx community — as part of my studies at UCSB— proved extremely empowering. 

The author's family in Gilroy, CA

Uncovering subjects that are taboo within Mexican culture and putting them under an analytical lens, allowed our study to break cultural and academic barriers. Every time I started to transcribe, I couldn't help but hear my aunt or uncle on the other side of the interview. I would lie awake at night thinking about the impact migration and mental health struggles had on their lives and the way it related to my family’s story. Before my mother became a U.S. citizen, she ha experienced a lot of fear within this country. Her constant paranoia fed into her social anxiety and we often had to leave grocery stores, malls or even restaurants because my mom felt like she was suffocating. Although experiences like these are brushed off by older generations like my mother, it became obvious that it affected the UCSB research group emotionally. So, taking breaks and having open conversations about triggering content from the audio recordings was a necessary part of the research process.

“Querer es poder” motivates both Professor Garcia’s and my missions: to want there to be academic Chicanx spaces that do research on people who look like us. After participating in this study, my entire perspective on education was reaffirmed and magnified. Being here is not just a personal goal, it is a part of a legacy that I am contributing to. The “querer,” the wanting, has accumulated generationally, and my ancestors would be proud to know that the education they always wanted is finally available to be achieved.

Mariana Benitez Arreola is a third-year at UC Santa Barbara who is double majoring in Sociology and Latin American and Iberian Studies. She is currently pursuing the Professional Writing Minor and wrote this article for her Digital Journalism course.